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Thursday, March 30, 2023

These Video Game Locations Are In Desperate Need Of A Powerwash

PowerWash Simulator is one of those games that we definitely didn’t think we needed until we tried it. A game that replicates the chore of thoroughly cleaning with pressurized liquid, PowerWash Simulator is an incredibly relaxing and satisfying experience. Methodically removing the grime from things to make them look brand-new again is a whole lot of fun whether you’re playing on Xbox, PlayStation, Switch, or PC.

The base game already has enough PowerWashing-joy to transfix players for many zen-like sessions, but publisher Square Enix has also released two official crossovers this year that take PowerWashing aficionados to locations in Tomb Raider and Final Fantasy VII Remake. The latter released earlier this month and contains five levels set in Midgar. Meanwhile, the Tomb Raider update lets players clean Croft Manor, the obstacle course from Tomb Raider III, and more. her Both DLCs are available for free to existing owners of the game, and Xbox Game Pass subscribers can find PowerWash Simulator on Xbox and PC.

Is this the start of a new metaverse, in which players can visit famous video game locations that are in dire need of some liquid-based physical therapy so that they can shine once again? The answer is a definite we hope so, and if developer FuturLab wants to strike while the pressure-washer iron is hot, we’ve got a few ideas of where it can point it tools next. While most gaming locations are surprisingly sterile, the last couple of years have seen developers embrace the filth, utilizing advanced rendering technologies to create biomes that look like they’ve been on the receiving end of a muck tsunami.

We’ve rounded up some video game locales that are in desperate need of a nice powerwash.

Arkham Asylum (Batman Arkham Trilogy)

Sure, some parts of the factory that churns out colorful inmates for Batman to justice-punch might be reassuringly sterile, but the rest of Arkham Asylum is a dank and dingy collection of corridors leading to jail cells caked in oddly specific graffiti and what we’re hoping is raspberry jam on the walls. You’re probably going to want to charge double for Clayface’s cell alone.

The Baker House (Resident Evil 7)

Can a flamethrower double as a pressure-washing tool? The jury is out on that one, but when you’ve got a creepy home that looks like a nightmare hybrid between a landfill and an abattoir, you’re going to need more than just some strong detergent to mop up those trouble spots. Just remember, you’ll probably want to save your strongest detergent–and a bucket to heave into–for the kitchen.

The Great Mighty Poo’s lair (Conker’s Bad Fur Day)

It’s a crap job, but someone has to do it. Between gigantic pieces of corn and a river of singing fecal matter, you’ll be very happy to be decked out in a hazmat suit that hopefully keeps the smell out.

The Great Deku Tree (The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)

Not to be confused with the My Hero Academia fandom, the Great Deku tree is home to something far worse than bioweapon viscera and sentient poop: spiders, scores of them in fact, who have constructed a great big nest inside the ancient sage. Sure, that curse is also bad and you’ll probably need to switch from a high-pressure hose to a proton pack to cleanse the tree of it, but spiders, man.

Night City (Cyberpunk 2077)

Night City is a dangerous metropolis, and between rampant littering, cyber-baddies roaming the street, and people being treated as disposable pieces of meat to mutilate, there’s more than enough grime and blood needing to be power-washed off of these neon-lit streets. Especially on Jig Jig street. Wake up samurai, we’ve got a city to clean.

Rhulk’s Pyramid ship (Destiny 2: The Witch Queen)

Okay, being stuck on an alien swamp in Mars while Scorn and Hive troops try to violently dissuade you from hanging about an ancient ship created by a primordial force of cosmic nature will make you think twice about tackling this job. But as most PowerWash Simulator fans know, the chance to attack the dust, mud, and ethereal Hive magic coating this ship will be a cathartic delight thanks to that structure having some sharp angles to clean up.

Krato’s Cabin (God of War)

Boy! This hovel, which barely qualifies as a hut, needs a good cleaning. You’ll probably want to tackle this job while Kratos is out and about saving the nine realms, and keep an eye out for a few ravens bearing messages from the Midgard mauler while you choose the right nozzle to clean off Balder’s blood from a nearby pile of decorative rocks that used to be a mountain.

Sevastopol Station (Alien: Isolation)

Sevastopol station has a slight bug infestation, but it’s one that you can easily clean up. While you’re trying to avoid slipping on puddles of Xenomorph drool and avoid the nightmare fuel shape in the shadows, you might want to switch your power washer out for a flamethrower when you reach that room that’s full of slimy Facehugger eggs. Just watch out for the green stuff dripping from the ceiling several decks above; it’ll eat right through your suit.

The Gray (Fallout: New Vegas)

Another location where you’ll need to don your thickest rad suit, The Gray has certainly seen better days. Just because the world is in a post-nuclear apocalyptic state though, it doesn’t mean that this hub for the locals of New Vegas can’t be cleaned up. You’ll probably want to bring some special attachments for your tools when tackling Andy Scab’s room though, as that ghoul earned that nickname for a very good (and gross) reason.

Iosefka’s Clinic (Bloodborne)

I hope you’re not afraid of blood! The clinic isn’t going to pass any medical inspections in its current state, what with all the rusty surgical tools, blood splatters, and monsters decorating the location. It’s in dire need of a good cleaning, especially if Iosefka–who definitely isn’t a sinister impostor with dark designs on her mind–wants to continue treating people in her operating room during the night of the hunt.

Your island in Animal Crossing after you haven’t played since lockdown

Tom Nook is so disappointed in you right now.

Any Splatoon level after a match

Nintendo’s Splatoon games are heavenly for anyone looking for ink-tastic fun, and hell for the janitors who have to clean up that mess. Still, getting your strongest pressure-fitting attached and attacking a level that looks like a zombie Jackson Pollock art installation will make for some colorful catharsis.

The Rockworm after you chainsaw out of it (Gears of War 2)

When you’ve got a gigantic dead worm just lying about and not being used for artisanal real estate, it’s probably because it kind of stinks of rotting organs and chainsaw-rifle fumes. That’s nothing that your best nozzles can’t clean up though, especially if you have the right soaps to help scrub up the stone-like armor carapace.

Black Gulch (Dark Souls 2)

Possibly the smelliest place on this list that doesn’t have poo in its name, the Black Gulch is home to all the usual natural grime that you’d associate with this location and one nasty tenant in the form of The Rotten. A corpse party of terror that leaves an unnatural mess wherever it goes, prepare to cry when you see all your hard work undone by this abomination.

Blood Gulch (Halo)

Another–and arguably more iconic–gulch that wouldn’t pass a white glove test on the best day of its life, Blood Gulch is Halo at its most iconic and dirtiest. Grab your Mjolnir-class cleaning suit, reload your power washer, and get ready to finish the filthiest fight, marine.

Spencer Mansion (Resident Evil)

The Spencer mansion! Stately, fancy, and some third word to describe its heritage. It has a lot of ground to cover, but once you start tackling those cobwebs in the corner and the half-eaten remains of a Raccoon City police officer that are stinking up the joint, you’ll soon have this location looking like a million bucks when a fresh supply of victims gives the manor a tour.

The hat off of Mr X’s head (Resident Evil 2 Remake)

We’re going to need a bigger ladder, if we want to grab this grimy hat off of Mr. X’s head and give it a gentle scrub. Alternatively, now is a great time for PowerWash Simulator to introduce an extreme-distance neck to its range of hoses, in case you don’t want to get too close to the lumbering mountain of reanimated muscles.

Dunwall (Dishonored)

Dunwall! It’s the dirty jewel of Gristol and a rat-infested hellhole that requires some magical scrubbing to make it look like a capital city again. There’s no shortage of areas here that could do with an imperial eye for cleanliness, and if you don’t mind a mysterious assassin teleporting around the joint while hordes of rats get up to mischief, then this could be a satisfying collection of tight streets and dingy districts to apply some sparkling magic to.

The Shaded Castle (Elden Ring)

Abandoned and decrepit are two words which can accurately sum up Elden Ring’s Shaded Castle, a location caked in mud, dust, and the poisonous fumes of a bog that has claimed many a Tarnished warrior. But for the grimefighter looking for a challenge? The Shaded Castle could be the location that puts their name on the map.

Rapture (BioShock)

Would you kindly clean up this underwater monument to unchecked hubris that happens to be inhabited by gene-harvesting children and their overprotective diving-suit dads?

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